I feel faint.
That vague feeling where you lack clarity and strength? Yes, that one.

Why does it take watching a sitcom for hours on end to help you realize that life, is nothing short of a miracle? Ok, so i'm pathetic. I watch a downright overdose of Greys anatomy and i conclude that maybe, sometimes we forget the bigger picture. In all the confusion over the most trivial things, we fail to realize that someone out there is fighting for their life. Someone out there is diagnosed with something fatal and so easily they are told they don't have 'too long' to live. When you look at that as opposed to your silly insignificant troubles, you see that maybe the fact that your grades are slipping, that the guy you like is making it hard, that your parents don't get you, that work and your boss are being a bitch are in reality not the end of the world. Watching people fight to reclaim their life, people who don't make it cause evidently they couldn't fight the tumor, people who hold on to that shred of positivity while they go into surgery simply because their life is too uncertain to rely on and finally people who lie there staring ahead because they have simply lost all ability to think, somehow makes you SEE the bigger picture.
Which is why im feeling faint, what with having cried my heart out and almost having dried my tear glands. As i watched spirits being crushed, some being picked up again and some fighting knowing there was no chance, i put myself, for one minute, in their shoes. And you know what? I gave up. Which is why i feel like i lack strength. Maybe it had more to do with the fact that i was overwhelmed at the complexity of science that goes into saving a life, or maybe it was the fact that there were miracles or maybe the more likely explanation would be that the unbelievable strength. So often, we take our beating hearts for granted, without realizing that the moment it stops its involuntary beating, its actually over. Taking with it everything we fight and live for. Coming down to how we as human beings are most queer. We have all the answers and yet we ask questions. We know that everything material is of no use to us when we leave and yet we cling on to it and try our hardest to fix it when its broken, when in actuality its relationships that needs fixing. Love and compassion are replaced with fiercer emotions when in reality the former two are what takes you forward. We live in controversies and yet we wonder why we can't make up our minds. Why is it that our stories are different and yet we intrude into everybody elses, rarely change it for the better and mostly change it for the worse? What medicine in the world can cure us of heartache, betrayal and pain? For everything we preach and everything we destroy, life gives you just one solution and its right there in front of you like every other answer. Its nothing short of turning out to be that miracle we want to believe in.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

I'm a selfless girl who doesn't care that her object of affection had his hands around another girl. No, that doesn't bother me at all. I really don't care.

Because im selfless. And im an optimist. And i'm going to get what i want.

Now all i have to do is convince myself to embark upon my journey of selfless discovery.

What do you do when you're having a really bad day? Not just your typical 'bad' day, but a really horrible one, where everything goes weirdly wrong and you can't wait for the coming of dawn the next day, in the hope that it'll be better.

Yes, today is one of those days. Where i get up feeling odd. Where my phone stops working and hangs 5 times in a span of 5 minutes. Where weird things appear when it DOES eventually come back on and stay that way, implying that my phone is a virus infected gadget, which makes me run, cross the road 4 times, listen to the long list of things my phone has acquired and then ends with me leaving without my baby. (48 hours to find out the exact 'symptoms'). Where i return to be greeted by a phone call telling me that the concert i've been looking forward to for the last 3 fucking months MIGHT not be happening after all. I mean why would they care that some person in some god forsaken place is basing her life's decisions on THEIR freakin concert? Yeah, turns out they don't. Where ALL i want to do is just GO away from here for a while, but as my luck has it, looks like im not going anyway afterall. Where i log on every one hour to see IF it's finally gotten the 'time' to reply. Yes, it. Cause i'm pissed off. Where i discover, to my dismay, that my jeans seem to have become tighter. Where i'm yelled at for not 'helping' around the house, JUST when im ALMOST done with my book and have gotten to the really emotional part and start to cry. Where i throw my book down in a huff and DO the goddam chore already. Where i come back and start where i left off only to realize the moments over and now i just want to race through the last lines. Where im made to socialize with my mothers friends when really, that's the last thing i want to do. Where i do it anyway. Where i log on AGAIN and this time am greeted by some *inserts swear word*'s posts on the other IT's wall. Where im reminded of my immense dislike for her and her 'habits', not to forget hearts. Where im TRYING to study and all i can concentrate on is how my phone isn't lighting up with a message. Where i just basically give up and walk around aimlessly cause frankly that seems like a better option as opposed to setting out to do something and having it kick you in the ass.

I guess all you can do is HOPE it'll get better tomorrow. And refrain from sitting down and analyzing just HOW much it sucks.

I don't know whether its experience that changes you, or time or just that as you grow older your perspective changes.

When i look back i feel so bloody different. The idea of being in 'love', of giving someone everything you have, of being there through it all, of holding just one person's hand and feeling like that's what you've been made for, seemed like the best thing in the world.
And then life took a turn up a path i didn't recognize. It threw in obstacles i couldn't climb over, rather made me maneuver my way around them. It made things harder and it made sure i was hurt a good many times. And along the way, i forgot what i was. I forgot the things that i stood up for, i forgot what it felt like to love without a boundary, i forgot to trust and i began to view a person for his flaws before anything else. Today when i look within, i feel like a stronger person. But at the same time, i feel insensitive. I feel so rock like. I feel like i've built this wall that shields me from what i don't wish to see happen. Like im scared, and the only way to get rid of that fear is by making my defense mechanism stronger.
Why is it that YOU have to change? Why can't learning your lesson just BE enough?

And again, i'm unsure.

Unsure if this is what happens everytime? You meet someone, they seem just like you, you share life's stories with them, you laugh with them, promise to be there when things get hard, cry for memories you just made, worry that they're fine, try to work past trivial things, and the big ones too, and just when you think you've found a friend in them,.....BOOM. They become complete strangers.
You forget what its like to laugh with them, you forget that odd feeling that you need to rush and tell them everything thats happening. You find yourself forgetting what your 'special' comfort zone felt like.
What exactly are you supposed to do when this happens? Stay there no matter what and give them a chance to change? Or turn around and never look back again?

Life, has something new to give you every day.
Sometimes its good, sometimes its something you’ve waited for forever, sometimes its unexpected, sometimes its bad and most of the times its unpredictable.

Yes, you hop on to the roller coaster, that’s life, blindfolded. You’re terrified at first and hang on for dear life. Slowly, just as you loosen your hold there’s an unexpected bump that drags you downward, almost dropping you off, but not completely. And at the exact moment you’ve given up and accept you’re time has come or that you can’t hold on any longer, you suddenly feel like you’re being lifted upwards again. And yet again, you hope only to go through the exact same thing, only maybe this time, that phase of being stable lasts longer. Up’s and down’s. Happiness and sadness. Good and bad. Hope and disappointment.
Unfortunately for us, this never ends. Our journey continues until that final reel, where in the roller coaster stops working mid-way , leaving us with no chance of survival or in some cases, tests our will-power to hold on just when we think its all over, finishing off the one who had sweaty hands and didn’t hold on tightly enough.