Yes, all of us at some point, are weighed down with a million questions. Unanswered. Things you are dying to know, feelings you are dying to sort out, answers that will probably get rid of half the confusion in your head.
If there's one thing life has taught me, is teaching me rather, it would be learning to live for now.
Sure, your past probably teaches you more than you can comprehend, but the fact remains that it's over, gone and not coming back.
Tomorrow on the other hand, tomorrow is a ground too uncertain to rely on. Half of us, me being one of them of course, waste our time thinking. What's going to happen? Is it going to work out how i want it to? Is it going to be ok? How long more, etc etc etc. In the process of making castles from sand, we circuitously build on hope. And you know what? We fall that much harder. We forget that there are a million things that could change, go wrong and alter it all. And that, that would probably hurt even more than not knowing at all.
Hence, my point. Live for today. Feel, today. And eventually if its meant to happen, you'll find your way and get there. Savor what you have for now. And just....live.

This summer's gone by so quick.
After lots of my cousins, holidaying, hookah (i DO detest it a little less than before) , alcohol, 'unwanted things', dancing, karaoke, loafing aimlessly, shopping, lots of sun, splash, unwanted tans, hugs and a trillion kisses, laughter, text messages that never stopped, long conversations to kill time, food, movies and oh, PICTURES, i can't quite believe college has started! Already. I keep thinking the weekend will come soon enough and it'll just go on endlessly and i'll go make new memories without a care in the world, just plenty of free time to look forward to.
But sadly, that two and a half months has gone by already and now i'm back to worrying. Getting up at 9 and staying in college without running out of that gate when i look at it, watching what i eat, walking home occasionally so i burn the unwanted calories, trudging home and having no energy to even think of going to grill room, worrying about what to wear the next day, caring about who likes you and who is sizing you up, boring text books, assignments, EXAMS! oh my how i'm dreading those already. Monotony. *sighs*
It really does suck to have to get back to reality and down to serious form after recovering from a holiday hangover.
Oh well, i guess you can always get something out of the not-too-appealing-non-holiday-really-monotonous life too. Who knows, maybe college will be my new favorite place *shrugs* It helps to be optimistic sometimes :)

High time i got back to writing more often, cause now im stuck with a whole bunch of stuff i want to write about and i'm unsure where i should even start from.
Ok, so i'm FINALLY 18 :) and i think i got around to a good enough start, what with the fact that i was very sober and for once, i watched other people act all crazy and high. Though i mustn't take all the credit :) oh, and yeah, i feel older already, most of the time anyway.
Jan came, and um, left. I miss her terribly and worry about her all the bloody time.
My lover, took us to one resort to celebrate getting into law school. And, yes a blog will come up soon enough, where i'll pour my heart out and make a big fuss about her leaving. Coming back to the resort. It was real fun and i finally resolved that i suck at pool and am pretty ok at table tennis, for my face :)
Then, before i knew it, college started! I cribbed my ass off the day before, but now i've decided to just go without a racket cause honestly i don't have a choice and it really isn't all that bad :) yes, i really think it's not all that bad. I mean, i made friends and shit and i get to walk around college a lot and theres this canteen thing that makes life worth living cause it has food. FOOD, that i can eat all the time and get fat. Man, i'm so pointless. Oh and the best part, you can walk out whenever you feel like! The joy of freedom i tell you, i could really get habituated to it :)

Am i happy? yes. For now, i guess you could say that. There are so many things i want to just get out of my system. I don't know how. Its like the more i talk about it, the more confused i get. The more i write about it, the more it hurts.
I really think its very unfair. How your given this period of time and then, your expected to just be ok with it when it passes. Its like telling someone "listen, your going to die in a month", the only difference being that they don't have to worry about what happens after. In my case, i do.
I have a million questions i want to ask. A million things i want to know now, so that tomorrow i'll know how to face it. Sometimes i really wish there was some way of knowing what happens AFTER. What happens when cinderella finds her prince and they are married. What happens when he leaves you. What happens you know, After.

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bands and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

I feel it's high time i wrote a blog.
I just discovered that i can't write when there is music playing, which is sad considering i like this 9 crimes song. Anyway. We got our results today, and after almost having a nervous breakdown, i got like an 83%, which is ok considering how i expected a 65%.

Coming back to, the fact that i feel very unsure at this point.
I mean, one minute you feel you're done figuring out what you want. And the next, you're like hold on....stop. Rewind. I hate change. I really fucking do. The moment you're done adapting yourself to something, with great difficulty i might add, it's time to get used to something new. And you just end up confused and feeling a million things, not pretty in the very least, and god what good does change EVER do?
1. The horrible dislike that seemed to come after the intense and great liking.
2. The decisions i have to live with now that i can't go outside this place.
3. The fact that i wanted 'single', but then potential people came around and confused the hell out of me.
4. The worst of the lot. When you're victim of a change within yourself.
5. The simple, easy to understand relationship i thought i shared with lots of people. All of a sudden, im thinking twice and i can't understand it anymore.
6. The very fact that i hate doing things i used to love to do. 'Hanging out'. And getting bored out of my senses when im stuck in 'that' certain situation.
7. Not being able to write anymore! atleast not until im depressed.
8. Digesting the fact that 'people come and people go' and accepting that it is indeed a way of life.
9. From saying 'i'll never do stuff like that', to actually doing it.
10. Watching as your innocence slips away, right in front of you.
11. Having this future, you're so unsure about. And adjusting to 'new'.
12. Becoming immune. And insensitive. And not being able to find yourself, even after looking for it really hard.

Yes, change. It's really funny how it manages to alter everything, and at the end of the day you're stuck with bearing the consequences. Which in reality, gives you no choice but to accept.

I've never wanted to dislike you.
I've never wanted to have to say that i'm glad you aren't in my life anymore.
I've never wanted to look at you, only to feel a swell of disgust.
I've never wanted to avoid looking at you or thinking about my life, without you in it.
I've never wanted to try to keep our memories locked up, in a corner so i'd never want to retrieve them.
I've never wanted to say, 'you walk your way, and i'll walk mine'.

But, you know what, i'm glad that that's what i want now.