You want to know what being insensitive means?
Let me tell you. It’s when you’ve had the most *insert swear word* up day and when you’re just done with 18 days (432 hours) of sheer exam pressure, and your parents don’t let you go out cause supposedly your ‘chores’ aren’t done on a ‘regular basis’. Do they care that I screwed my French paper up really bad? No. Do they care that I then proceeded to walk in the sun and had to endure an hour of torture in the parlour? No. Do they care that I haven’t asked to go out in, lets see, forever? No. Do they care that I’m leaving for 2 freaking months, day after tomorrow, and won’t get to see my friends/go to nice places for 60 days? No. This is why I call them insensitive.
So everyone is out having fun and celebrating, and I’m writing this blog, while my every cell screams out in anger. Yes, anger. Cause it really sucks when you’ve been waiting for something for weeks and then it all gets completely messed up because YOU aren’t in the god damn position to decide. And oh boy, the look on their faces while I grit my teeth and walk away? It’s the kind of look that makes you want to rip your pillow apart and go on to burn every feather. No kidding. I have contemplated swallowing my ego. But then again, why should i? I mean, trade a submissive ego for their sadistic looks of victory after crushing my spirit? Yeah right. So NOT happening.
God I hate this. With legality should come freedom and a new apartment. I’m sure you must think I’m being a real drama queen with too many tantrums. You know what? I don’t really care. You aren’t the one stuck here watching ‘the hangover’ in order to feel just a little bit better. I am. Hence, frankly you are no one to be passing any sort of judgment.
On this happyfuckingnote, I think I’ll go and channelize my bad mood in a more productive manner.

The world is a peculiar place.
It conjures exactly what you want, puts it in front of you, and just when you start to soak in the reality of it all, it takes it away. And for some odd reason, (see, i told you it was peculiar), like sort of a simultaneous response, we begin to hope.

Theory: Do not hope. Do not expect. Do not crave. Waking up every morning and thinking to yourself that today MIGHT just be it will only have you going to bed feeling disquieted and disappointed. The thing about hope is that it inevitably plays on your mind more often than necessary. It distracts and occupies your thoughts. It questions and expects. It just eats at you, a little bit everyday. Remember, what has to come to you, will come at the right time, when it's supposed to. Hoping, expecting or craving is not going to get that day here any faster. Two years will remain two years. Two months will remain two months. Two weeks will remain two weeks. And two days will still be two days. Killing yourself over it is not going to change that. Saying it in your head over and over again is not going to somehow magically give you what you want, at that exact second. Oh no my friend, the world is going to torture you, slowly and painfully. It's going to make you hate yourself at times. But you want to know the best part? When that day gets here, oh yes, when that one fated day gets here, it is ALL going to be worth it. And at that moment, you will be glad that you lived your life until then, free of hope and expectations, because that very instant? It is going to be so wonderful, that you couldn't even have begun to do justice to it.
I conclude and tell you to just....wait. And be patient. That day will come. It will.

I don’t know why I’m so mad.

I don’t know if it has to do with the fact that you disappear so often. I don’t know if it’s because of what I feel every god damn time you do so. I don’t know if maybe, I hate that this is becoming a pattern in my life. I don’t know if it’s just me, doing the same stupid things over and over again, repeating the last mistake I made and just…letting you mess with my head, in general. I don’t know if it’s because the good stuff sort of makes up for everything and how thinking about it still makes me weak in the knees. I don’t know if it’s because sometimes the reality of it all just spoils the whole darn fantasy. I don’t know if it’s just one of those moods coupled with the fact that I miss you.

I don’t know. And I probably never will. Cause life is just LIKE that. It throws all these questions at you and tells you to go figure it out. And no, it doesn’t care that you don’t have the answers or probably need a little more than the stipulated time to compute them. God forbid you just happen to sit down and try and think about it with a clear head, cause then it just weighs you down with MORE questions, all rushing to eat away at you, slowly, bit by bit. Until you’re in such a mess, you wonder why you sat down to think in the first place.
By the end of it, you are so consumed by the utter chaos of it all, it’s not a wonder why,‘you don’t know’.

-I can’t sit my ass down to study for more than ten minutes at a stretch, which is quite sad considering my exams are some three days away. And no, before you say that’s a pretty long time, it isn’t. My political science portion will scare you. I mean it.
-My phone isn’t lighting up with text messages as often as before. And let me tell you, I do not like it. Not one bit. Come on, you can’t be serious that you’ve never felt slightly bummed when it happened to. I don’t know, but there is just something so exciting when your thumbs scream out in protest, what with the excessive texting. I won’t really blame you if you haven’t felt that though. I am a tad bit eccentric.
-A million little pieces. What a book. Sure, it took me an unusually long time to finish it, what with the author’s heart-wrenching story and the fact that I just couldn’t get through more than twenty pages without wanting to die. Nevertheless you have to read it. He was honest. He was a fighter. And more importantly, every feeling was real.
-I hate to think back to all those summers where I went without knowing the joys of buttermilk. No, really. I missed out on quite a bit.
-Why can’t my phone light up already?
-My funny book is almost over. I’m hanging on to that last blank page for dear life, until I get to Chennai and buy a new one. At landmark. Because it’s tradition, if you really must know.
-I hate nail paint that chips. It’s annoying. And very unappealing to look at. Even for the person that has it on, I’d like to add.
-I missed karaoke today. Do you have ANY idea how badly I wanted to go, sing and do the hustle? I guess not.
-Lady Gaga looks scary in that one part in bad romance. You’ll know what part I’m talking about when you actually get around to watching the video. I don’t even have to mention which part in particular, you’ll figure it out. It’s kind of hard to miss.
-Word 2007 is awesome! That stupid information technology class served some purpose after all. NOT that word is that hard to begin with. Just that I’m too lazy to explore into the details unless I HAVE to.
-I don’t know why my neighbour’s had to send away those puppies. I mean THEY live here don’t they? Why can’t the puppies just live with them? And no, I’m not taking into consideration that they probably don’t want them. That’s no excuse. *sighs in exasperation*
-Mosquitoes are a pain. Especially when you wake up and look in the mirror and see horrible red, itchy marks.
-Why can’t you just call? You don’t seem to understand that when you don’t, I worry excessively. And I think excessively. And make up various theories in my head. And then worry a little more. Which is all rather unfair. I mean you COULD just pick up the phone and call and save me of all this trouble you know.
-Finally, it lights up.
-These stupid scissors with the pretty-to-look-at-fancy-blades can’t cut paper. I’m telling you. They really can’t.
-I want strawberries!
-I’m STILL afraid of the dark. You’d think I’d be over it by now.
-I hate being the last one to go to bed. Cause then I have to walk around, turning off all the lights. And then at some point, it WILL be fully dark. And that scares me.
-My mother just walked in and told me to ‘go to bed’. It’s 11:32. Who even sleeps at 11:32?
-You know what I really want? Besides kicking a certain someone in the gut real hard? I want a sub. Yes, I’m aware that just a few seconds ago I wanted strawberries and that you were probably beginning to picture them, all red and sweet, before I changed my mind so suddenly and completely ruined that pretty picture for you. Now how about that sub?
-So, maybe I was just trying to act all badass when I said that thing above. Not the sub bit you moron, the other bit. Cause see, contrary to your belief, I am not the gut-kicking type. Nor I am particularly badass.
-I have considered the fact that you do not care, but I’m telling you anyway.
-I think I’ve run out of thoughts. Or maybe they’re just passing by too quickly.

Sometimes I feel like you’re right here.


And then, sometimes, you seem so far away. Almost like I never knew you. As if, I’ve been living in a dream and somehow, have awoken. I try to recollect every little detail. I focus on making that hazy image sharper. I smile when I remember something, get upset when I forget it and very often long to know what happens next.
Just like a dream, you fade with time. The images remain, but the intensity dims.
Just like a dream, I try to hold on, as I am scared to forget.
Just like a dream, you seem more distant every day.
Just like a dream, I wait for you to come back to me, someday, so I can hold on to you a little bit tighter and remember you a little bit better.



Just like a dream, I wait for you to come back.

Life has this very funny way of getting you. One second you’re living it down, soaking in the happiness of it all, and moving so quickly it’s all just this huge blur. And the next, you’re struggling to move forward. And surely enough, everything seems wrong. Time passes by so tardily that sometimes, you look at the clock desperately only to see that a few seconds have passed by since you last shot a glance in its direction. You are consumed with a hundred emotions and at the same time feel a void growing slowly but steadily. Which in itself is such a contradiction, but then again, who are we to question it?

Your head hurts with the thoughts that loom over your more sensible side. You want to run, but you cannot. You try to face them head on, but to no avail. You try to reason, talk and convince yourself that it’s only a matter of time and yet you do not believe it. You throw your fit of anger on everyone and everything around you, not even stopping to consider that it will get you nowhere. Because frankly? The person who actually triggers this outburst of emotions is never going to know how you feel. There really is no point in fighting a battle against no one, especially when your supposed opponent has no clue. And although we think we have no choice but to unleash it all on ourselves, maybe, we do have a choice. Maybe the wiser choice is to simply surrender. Surrender, not because you are weak or because you are accepting defeat, but simply because you are helpless. Simply because after a point, you get tired of fighting with yourself.

For every time you are upset and feel that life has come to a standstill, seek solace from your beating heart and know that it IS indeed moving forward.