Sunday, August 1, 2010

Not too long ago, I began my journey on a different path. I say different because in many ways, it was new to me. This one consisted of lesser pain, lesser hurdles and fewer complications. Or so I thought.
What I did not realize was that as I was moving forward, trying to find my way and pursuing what we call ‘happiness’, I was changing. About half way through, I stopped. I turned around and retraced my steps. Yes, I was content. Yes, I couldn’t remember the last time I let someone in enough to grieve after they left. And yes, I had become stronger. Funny enough, as I looked closer, I found it hard to recognize this person I had become. I couldn’t understand how I had moved forward and yet strayed from the course I believed in. I stood there and I thought about it and it came to me. I was too afraid to face life knowing that there was a state called permanence. Permanence and commitment, to me, meant finality and THAT meant hurt. Instead of dealing with it, I changed. I hid my vulnerable side. I went about life with the sole purpose of not getting wounded. And surely enough, I forgot myself to this entirely new exterior I created. I broke out of my reverie and turned back to face the course that lay ahead of me. It was simple. All I had to do was abandon my fear and find what I truly wanted, even if that meant getting a little bruised along the way.

The pursuit of happiness is about living life on your own terms. It is standing up for what you believe in. It is letting yourself feel and not worrying about the consequences. Temporary comes and goes. At the end of the day, you need stability. You need permanent. You need defined. And THAT is how I want to finish my journey down this now conversant path.

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