Saturday, May 30, 2009

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bands and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I feel it's high time i wrote a blog.
I just discovered that i can't write when there is music playing, which is sad considering i like this 9 crimes song. Anyway. We got our results today, and after almost having a nervous breakdown, i got like an 83%, which is ok considering how i expected a 65%.

Coming back to, the fact that i feel very unsure at this point.
I mean, one minute you feel you're done figuring out what you want. And the next, you're like hold on....stop. Rewind. I hate change. I really fucking do. The moment you're done adapting yourself to something, with great difficulty i might add, it's time to get used to something new. And you just end up confused and feeling a million things, not pretty in the very least, and god what good does change EVER do?
1. The horrible dislike that seemed to come after the intense and great liking.
2. The decisions i have to live with now that i can't go outside this place.
3. The fact that i wanted 'single', but then potential people came around and confused the hell out of me.
4. The worst of the lot. When you're victim of a change within yourself.
5. The simple, easy to understand relationship i thought i shared with lots of people. All of a sudden, im thinking twice and i can't understand it anymore.
6. The very fact that i hate doing things i used to love to do. 'Hanging out'. And getting bored out of my senses when im stuck in 'that' certain situation.
7. Not being able to write anymore! atleast not until im depressed.
8. Digesting the fact that 'people come and people go' and accepting that it is indeed a way of life.
9. From saying 'i'll never do stuff like that', to actually doing it.
10. Watching as your innocence slips away, right in front of you.
11. Having this future, you're so unsure about. And adjusting to 'new'.
12. Becoming immune. And insensitive. And not being able to find yourself, even after looking for it really hard.

Yes, change. It's really funny how it manages to alter everything, and at the end of the day you're stuck with bearing the consequences. Which in reality, gives you no choice but to accept.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

I've never wanted to dislike you.
I've never wanted to have to say that i'm glad you aren't in my life anymore.
I've never wanted to look at you, only to feel a swell of disgust.
I've never wanted to avoid looking at you or thinking about my life, without you in it.
I've never wanted to try to keep our memories locked up, in a corner so i'd never want to retrieve them.
I've never wanted to say, 'you walk your way, and i'll walk mine'.

But, you know what, i'm glad that that's what i want now.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

It's funny when you watch yourself grow up. How you manage to laugh today looking at what you were back then. How you grow to realize and understand and make mistakes. And how along the way, you change. Change for whatever reason, with time, with experience and when maturity kicks in. Today i look back and i regret. But since sadly, life doesn't give you the option of turning back time, i guess you just make sure you move forward doing it the right way. Sure i've made stupid mistakes, trusted the wrong people and had a very different take on what i wanted from life. Today. Well, today is a completely different story. You can stand alone, without needing someone to hold you. Single is by far the most amazing shit! And everything happens for the freaking best! :) (don't even MAKE me start on that). It's just called learing to live on your own terms.