Saturday, March 27, 2010

I don’t know why I’m so mad.

I don’t know if it has to do with the fact that you disappear so often. I don’t know if it’s because of what I feel every god damn time you do so. I don’t know if maybe, I hate that this is becoming a pattern in my life. I don’t know if it’s just me, doing the same stupid things over and over again, repeating the last mistake I made and just…letting you mess with my head, in general. I don’t know if it’s because the good stuff sort of makes up for everything and how thinking about it still makes me weak in the knees. I don’t know if it’s because sometimes the reality of it all just spoils the whole darn fantasy. I don’t know if it’s just one of those moods coupled with the fact that I miss you.

I don’t know. And I probably never will. Cause life is just LIKE that. It throws all these questions at you and tells you to go figure it out. And no, it doesn’t care that you don’t have the answers or probably need a little more than the stipulated time to compute them. God forbid you just happen to sit down and try and think about it with a clear head, cause then it just weighs you down with MORE questions, all rushing to eat away at you, slowly, bit by bit. Until you’re in such a mess, you wonder why you sat down to think in the first place.
By the end of it, you are so consumed by the utter chaos of it all, it’s not a wonder why,‘you don’t know’.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

-I can’t sit my ass down to study for more than ten minutes at a stretch, which is quite sad considering my exams are some three days away. And no, before you say that’s a pretty long time, it isn’t. My political science portion will scare you. I mean it.
-My phone isn’t lighting up with text messages as often as before. And let me tell you, I do not like it. Not one bit. Come on, you can’t be serious that you’ve never felt slightly bummed when it happened to. I don’t know, but there is just something so exciting when your thumbs scream out in protest, what with the excessive texting. I won’t really blame you if you haven’t felt that though. I am a tad bit eccentric.
-A million little pieces. What a book. Sure, it took me an unusually long time to finish it, what with the author’s heart-wrenching story and the fact that I just couldn’t get through more than twenty pages without wanting to die. Nevertheless you have to read it. He was honest. He was a fighter. And more importantly, every feeling was real.
-I hate to think back to all those summers where I went without knowing the joys of buttermilk. No, really. I missed out on quite a bit.
-Why can’t my phone light up already?
-My funny book is almost over. I’m hanging on to that last blank page for dear life, until I get to Chennai and buy a new one. At landmark. Because it’s tradition, if you really must know.
-I hate nail paint that chips. It’s annoying. And very unappealing to look at. Even for the person that has it on, I’d like to add.
-I missed karaoke today. Do you have ANY idea how badly I wanted to go, sing and do the hustle? I guess not.
-Lady Gaga looks scary in that one part in bad romance. You’ll know what part I’m talking about when you actually get around to watching the video. I don’t even have to mention which part in particular, you’ll figure it out. It’s kind of hard to miss.
-Word 2007 is awesome! That stupid information technology class served some purpose after all. NOT that word is that hard to begin with. Just that I’m too lazy to explore into the details unless I HAVE to.
-I don’t know why my neighbour’s had to send away those puppies. I mean THEY live here don’t they? Why can’t the puppies just live with them? And no, I’m not taking into consideration that they probably don’t want them. That’s no excuse. *sighs in exasperation*
-Mosquitoes are a pain. Especially when you wake up and look in the mirror and see horrible red, itchy marks.
-Why can’t you just call? You don’t seem to understand that when you don’t, I worry excessively. And I think excessively. And make up various theories in my head. And then worry a little more. Which is all rather unfair. I mean you COULD just pick up the phone and call and save me of all this trouble you know.
-Finally, it lights up.
-These stupid scissors with the pretty-to-look-at-fancy-blades can’t cut paper. I’m telling you. They really can’t.
-I want strawberries!
-I’m STILL afraid of the dark. You’d think I’d be over it by now.
-I hate being the last one to go to bed. Cause then I have to walk around, turning off all the lights. And then at some point, it WILL be fully dark. And that scares me.
-My mother just walked in and told me to ‘go to bed’. It’s 11:32. Who even sleeps at 11:32?
-You know what I really want? Besides kicking a certain someone in the gut real hard? I want a sub. Yes, I’m aware that just a few seconds ago I wanted strawberries and that you were probably beginning to picture them, all red and sweet, before I changed my mind so suddenly and completely ruined that pretty picture for you. Now how about that sub?
-So, maybe I was just trying to act all badass when I said that thing above. Not the sub bit you moron, the other bit. Cause see, contrary to your belief, I am not the gut-kicking type. Nor I am particularly badass.
-I have considered the fact that you do not care, but I’m telling you anyway.
-I think I’ve run out of thoughts. Or maybe they’re just passing by too quickly.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Sometimes I feel like you’re right here.

And then, sometimes, you seem so far away. Almost like I never knew you. As if, I’ve been living in a dream and somehow, have awoken. I try to recollect every little detail. I focus on making that hazy image sharper. I smile when I remember something, get upset when I forget it and very often long to know what happens next.
Just like a dream, you fade with time. The images remain, but the intensity dims.
Just like a dream, I try to hold on, as I am scared to forget.
Just like a dream, you seem more distant every day.
Just like a dream, I wait for you to come back to me, someday, so I can hold on to you a little bit tighter and remember you a little bit better.

Just like a dream, I wait for you to come back.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Life has this very funny way of getting you. One second you’re living it down, soaking in the happiness of it all, and moving so quickly it’s all just this huge blur. And the next, you’re struggling to move forward. And surely enough, everything seems wrong. Time passes by so tardily that sometimes, you look at the clock desperately only to see that a few seconds have passed by since you last shot a glance in its direction. You are consumed with a hundred emotions and at the same time feel a void growing slowly but steadily. Which in itself is such a contradiction, but then again, who are we to question it?

Your head hurts with the thoughts that loom over your more sensible side. You want to run, but you cannot. You try to face them head on, but to no avail. You try to reason, talk and convince yourself that it’s only a matter of time and yet you do not believe it. You throw your fit of anger on everyone and everything around you, not even stopping to consider that it will get you nowhere. Because frankly? The person who actually triggers this outburst of emotions is never going to know how you feel. There really is no point in fighting a battle against no one, especially when your supposed opponent has no clue. And although we think we have no choice but to unleash it all on ourselves, maybe, we do have a choice. Maybe the wiser choice is to simply surrender. Surrender, not because you are weak or because you are accepting defeat, but simply because you are helpless. Simply because after a point, you get tired of fighting with yourself.

For every time you are upset and feel that life has come to a standstill, seek solace from your beating heart and know that it IS indeed moving forward.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I’m in a writing mood. And no, nothing of substance is going on, so this is probably going to be a pointless blog.
Let me start by expressing my immense displeasure owing to the horrible heat. No really, its so bad, you cant walk ten steps without wanting to die. Which is really quite frustrating cause we have to walk SO much to get to all our classes, in college. This is when I miss school. I mean it was so small in comparison, 2 seconds and we’d reach the next class. On second thought, maybe I should be thrilled at the prospect of summer. I mean, the calories you burn by just breathing? Applaudable. Especially when you’re me and can’t work out for more than half an hour in a week.

This short lived determination issue I seem to have is quite disturbing. It’s like I randomly get these bursts of excitement. For like, what, three days? And then I’ll just be like ‘ah, maybe tomorrow’ and yes, quite predictably, tomorrow never gets here. Oh well, now I have something to work on I guess. They say in order to solve a problem you need to figure it out first. Some assurance there.

Oh I finally reunited with my most loyal friend. Except it happened to be on empty stomach. So all in all Friday night wasn’t too much fun. Frankly, they should start doing something about the crowd. I mean, one minute you’re bored out of your mind, sipping your drink and enjoying the welcoming effect the air conditioner has on you. And the next, you’re clutching your glass for dear life, looking at the ceiling, in order to breathe, and trying to make your way through millions of people. Let me tell you, at that moment, it seems like a lost cause. Almost like you can see your end, right there, in that packed night club. What a pathetic way to die.

Exams are round the corner. Already! Why does time sneak up on us like this. I mean its rather brutal. That horrible three month countdown is now a three-week countdown. Doesn’t really help that I don’t own text books, in the least. Oh god. Not only do exams spell hate, but they also spell disaster for us girls. Bad enough we’re bitchy five days a month, without the added nerves, bouts of anger, depression and the never ending ill-tempered long faces. So much to look forward to. Sigh.

American idol seems to be getting worse by the season. Or maybe it was just this particular episode. Or maybe I can’t appreciate a show without surgeries anymore.

You know, the telephone is probably the best invention man ever came up with. Closely followed by mobile phones. I mean what would we do without them? Especially the latter. Such a pity that if the world ends and civilization is going to start all over again, all man’s effort would have been for nothing. Nothing! Rather sad if you ask me.
On this pointless note, I’ll stop.