Monday, October 25, 2010

It's very hard to find a metaphorical way to put this.
Well, let's just say I tried a couple of times and it didn't work, so I'm going to come right out and say it.
I'm always, and I mean it when I say always, ready to believe the absolute worst about a person. No, they don't have to do anything or even say anything for that matter. Hell, they'll probably be the nicest human beings, have the bestest hands (haha, sorry I just had to say that) and have the most noble intentions. They might even fulfill all the necessary criteria and make the cut. Of course, you'd think that would be enough to have me convinced. But oh no, I just go ahead and do what I always do: I find flaws. Now, there have been countless times where I've tried to figure out why I do this. I mean, the facts are all laid out in front of me. The entire world sees it like it is, surely ALL of them can't be wrong. Then what is it?
Today, I did some introspection (while staring at my mass comm text book, I'd like to add) and well, it turns out that doing this (finding faults) is part of my (strange) defence mechanism. Confused? Let me explain.
You know how they say that experience is a teacher? There is no denying that it sure taught me well. I suppose when you start to live with caution and watch before you take your next step, you forget what it's like to I'm afraid to let people in. I'm terrified that it may end differently. I'm just so goddamn scared to accept that this just might be it. So, I run. And while I'm at it, I convince myself that they're just out to get me. And that they're probably just the kind  I'd rather stay away from. I find flaws. And then I some more. In short, I feel better by merely being a cynic. Except, when I think about it now, what good is it doing? Nothing, that's what. Maybe, I need to accept that it's okay to meet pretty darn awesome people. And maybe it's okay that sometimes things are too good to be true. And maybe, just maybe, if I refrain from running, I'd stick around to realize that 'what you see is what you get'.
I suppose I could abandon being a cynic and be a realist instead?

Monday, October 18, 2010

I had the perfect Sunday evening.
The persistent rain actually pushed me off my chair and made me cook, as opposed to the usual effect it has on me (I refuse to discuss the latter in detail seeing as how this is going to be a happy blog). I chopped onions and made various estimations (purely food related) and hummed to myself. It was only when I stopped to observe the colour of my tomato puree that I realized how its true about what they say: Cooking indeed takes your mind off everything. For that brief period, it's just spices, fragrances and you concentrating on getting the perfect result. Ah, bliss. After that, I put on Colonial Cousins (you gotta love them), grabbed my pastels and tried to do justice to the A3 size paper that  needs to be framed and hung on my Aunt's wall. Then, before long, it was time for the HBO 9pm movie! (Yes, Sunday night movies really excite me.) The movie, 'Julie and Julia', was quite entertaining really. You should watch it. I leanrt a few interesting things about cooking and saw a lot of good (and extremely appealing) food. I was reminded how brilliant Meryl Streep is. And I was pleasantly surprised to learn that not only is your blog read by other people, but if you're lucky, you get recognized and receive offers to be published. Not that this is ever going to happen in my case, but I was merely stating the possibility (which lets face it, is quite dim. Even for a fantasy). Oh and before I forget, I would like to add that throughout the movie, I received a string of complements regarding my plat de riz. Ha.
Now, I'm drinking port wine and feeling content. A perfect end to my perfect Sunday evening, I'd say.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Greys Anatomy is back. And with it, the usual anticipation, the great ardour and constant tears. I know, I know, I sound completely harebrained what with my evident fondness for a sitcom with lots of blood (and sex). No, but really, it makes me feel alive. It is extremely disturbing how a sitcom can affect your life to such a degree. Or for those 42 minutes, to say the least. What can I say, I'm strange like that.
Anyway, the moment I heard this on today's episode, I knew it had to go on my blog. So, I painstakingly typed it all out (damn you stupid google, where are you when I need you most?)

"When we say things like people don't change, it drives scientists crazy. Because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, its always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It is the way people try not to change that is unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are; the way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones; the way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change, that's upto us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenalin. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment we can be born all over again."

Monday, October 11, 2010

So, in my previous blog I wrote about how I need to know things in order to get on with life.

Life however, is not very empathizing of one's needs.
It seems to go one way and then decides to changes its course (I mean, hello, it's called prior warning?). It chases the unplanned and conjures the unexpected. And then of course, there is Chaos Theory and Butterfly Effect and other random theories (they actually make sense) that disturb your perfectly stable surroundings and leaves you in, lets face it, a complete mess. This aberration, this doubt, this disturbance is what causes great alarm to those of us (surely, I can't be alone in this respect) who live with caution and prevision.
Just today, I was thinking of the number of things I've done without over thinking and scrutinizing my decision. And well, I couldn't even think of one (which should come as no surprise really, considering). I actually think this is one of the reasons I like being intoxicated. Just the thrill of living like you want to, saying what you want to and believing what you want to. Plus there's that feeling of being so light headed, you can probably rule the world. Okay, I think I'm being led astray by the image of the glass of elixir that is slowly forming in my head.
Coming back to my point, yes, I have one. If we know for a fact that there will be change, there will be instances where we will be caught off guard and there will be unexpected, maybe we should just let go of those reigns we hold onto so tightly and STOP trying to control everything. Maybe, we should learn to embrace the unforeseen. Maybe, we should learn to live a little.

Monday, October 4, 2010

You know how you sometimes plan things, how you spend countless hours thinking of various 'what if' situations and how you lie awake staring at your ceiling in all it's glow-in-the-dark glory while your thoughts consume you? Yes, for me, the above is an extremely regular occurrence. I have often been chided for over thinking every situation and yet, I never seem to tire. Or stop for that matter. In fact, it has now gotten to a stage wherein I don't fight it anymore. I just prepare for the blow (trust me there are so many thoughts at once, they can totally knock me down if I'm caught unaware) and get sucked into the huge mess until eventually, I fall sleep. I reckon it's not really a bad thing, but it does make you obsessive and that can really suck. For instance, I now possess this urge to KNOW things. It's like handing you the script of a movie you are about to watch. Once you read that script, you more or less know what's going to happen right? Yes. I have a compulsive need for that script.
Now since life is not that sympathetic or generous when it comes to handing out written versions of how things are going to play out, I am left with no choice but to make up my own version(s). Trust me, I do not enjoy doing so. But I do it anyway. Cause like I already mentioned, I need to know things in advance. Of course, there is always the option of letting things happen, of 'going with the flow' and living on the edge. I'll admit I've considered this many a time. In fact, I'll come straight out and tell you I absolutely envy people who can live like that. But as much as I'm drawn to sitting in a theater, anticipating what is about to come, I'd rather read that story.

....I'd rather know.