Saturday, October 24, 2009

What do you do when you're having a really bad day? Not just your typical 'bad' day, but a really horrible one, where everything goes weirdly wrong and you can't wait for the coming of dawn the next day, in the hope that it'll be better.

Yes, today is one of those days. Where i get up feeling odd. Where my phone stops working and hangs 5 times in a span of 5 minutes. Where weird things appear when it DOES eventually come back on and stay that way, implying that my phone is a virus infected gadget, which makes me run, cross the road 4 times, listen to the long list of things my phone has acquired and then ends with me leaving without my baby. (48 hours to find out the exact 'symptoms'). Where i return to be greeted by a phone call telling me that the concert i've been looking forward to for the last 3 fucking months MIGHT not be happening after all. I mean why would they care that some person in some god forsaken place is basing her life's decisions on THEIR freakin concert? Yeah, turns out they don't. Where ALL i want to do is just GO away from here for a while, but as my luck has it, looks like im not going anyway afterall. Where i log on every one hour to see IF it's finally gotten the 'time' to reply. Yes, it. Cause i'm pissed off. Where i discover, to my dismay, that my jeans seem to have become tighter. Where i'm yelled at for not 'helping' around the house, JUST when im ALMOST done with my book and have gotten to the really emotional part and start to cry. Where i throw my book down in a huff and DO the goddam chore already. Where i come back and start where i left off only to realize the moments over and now i just want to race through the last lines. Where im made to socialize with my mothers friends when really, that's the last thing i want to do. Where i do it anyway. Where i log on AGAIN and this time am greeted by some *inserts swear word*'s posts on the other IT's wall. Where im reminded of my immense dislike for her and her 'habits', not to forget hearts. Where im TRYING to study and all i can concentrate on is how my phone isn't lighting up with a message. Where i just basically give up and walk around aimlessly cause frankly that seems like a better option as opposed to setting out to do something and having it kick you in the ass.

I guess all you can do is HOPE it'll get better tomorrow. And refrain from sitting down and analyzing just HOW much it sucks.

Monday, October 12, 2009

I don't know whether its experience that changes you, or time or just that as you grow older your perspective changes.

When i look back i feel so bloody different. The idea of being in 'love', of giving someone everything you have, of being there through it all, of holding just one person's hand and feeling like that's what you've been made for, seemed like the best thing in the world.
And then life took a turn up a path i didn't recognize. It threw in obstacles i couldn't climb over, rather made me maneuver my way around them. It made things harder and it made sure i was hurt a good many times. And along the way, i forgot what i was. I forgot the things that i stood up for, i forgot what it felt like to love without a boundary, i forgot to trust and i began to view a person for his flaws before anything else. Today when i look within, i feel like a stronger person. But at the same time, i feel insensitive. I feel so rock like. I feel like i've built this wall that shields me from what i don't wish to see happen. Like im scared, and the only way to get rid of that fear is by making my defense mechanism stronger.
Why is it that YOU have to change? Why can't learning your lesson just BE enough?