I hate that i relate everything to you.

I hate that i turn on the tv and the movie you asked me to watch is playing.
I hate that i recall bits of our conversation.
I hate how that made me happy.
I hate that i wait for my phone to light up and i hate how i get disappointed when it doesn't.
I hate that i look at other people and think of you.
I hate that you aren't around to listen anymore.
I hate that i fall asleep every night thinking, maybe, just maybe, i'll wake up to realize its just a dream.
I hate that i have nothing to smile at randomly anymore.
I hate that i believed everything you said.
I hate that i hoped.
I hate that i felt like i wanted to listen to everything you said.
I hate that i dont know what you're doing.
I hate that i can't seem to forget.
I hate that you dont miss me.

I hate to think you never really cared.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should just be friends' or 'How very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."

- Neil Gaiman.

I love, absolutely LOVE how im sucked into messes.
The most unlikely of situations, beckon, and i'll run after it. I'll trust, love, believe, rely on....only to realize, damn i shouldn't have.
And most often...

It's too late. The damage is done.
Why do i do this to myself? Over and over again?



Just to feel...Hurt.

I can't understand why im still stuck here.
I want to live by myself, even if that means washing my own clothes.
My mother thinks im doing drugs, just cause im sleeping too much.
I want a hug.
I miss Shreya. Somehow not being able to call her on 3760 depresses me further.
Why? Why has it changed so much in ONE week?
I need answers.
I could also do without people and their immense dislike, for no apparent reason.
I want things to work out for a change, instead i get a 'too good to be true' situation that ends before i know it.

It's pretty evident wanting too many things is NOT working out.

Oh well.

Why?
Why is it you allow yourself to even feel. It's like whats the bloody point? Things seem so pretty in the beginning. And so stupidly you take that as a good thing and move forward, only to fall deeper. And then, everything goes wrong. You start seeing a situation for what it actually is and not for what you'd prefer perceiving it as. And cause you want to take a risk you hang on to hope, you swallow your doubts and questions you want to ask, you act like nothings wrong. How long can you possibly do that for?
Majority of the world is right. I put my foot in deeper than i actually want to. And what am i getting from that again? Sleepless nights and random thoughts that don't let me concentrate on anything. Why can't i just STOP over analyzing things?! Why why why? And all this just makes me the bitch in the end. Still, im willing to hang on. Cause, sometimes, just sometimes the risk maybe worth it.

I don't like this at all. Like at ALL.
It shouldn't bother me you know. But it just does.

So much.