Friday, December 24, 2010

I'm literally dying on account of how bored I am.
I actually spent ten precious minutes just pacing up and down my hall. And in the sleep deprived state I am currently in, it took me rather long to realize I was moving aimlessly, staring at the intricate pattern on my carpet. My best friend was supposed to come home and keep me company, but she decided to go shopping instead leaving me to endure my misery alone. Of course, I turned on the idiot box next, only to see Jackie Chan jumping around making strange noises. Mind you, I have nothing against the man or his love for martial arts, it's just that I don't really like action movies. And that's saying a lot considering I would never settle to watch one even on my worst day. Suddenly, I remembered that little yellow folder in My Documents titled 'Entourage' and that gave me momentary happiness. But then I remembered how I would probably have to watch the entire thing again. With my father, who loves it so much, he actually watches 6 episodes straight without getting up. Not even for water. Or to talk to my mother (who is constantly cursing me for having introduced him to "this garbage" as she puts it). What can I say? It's freakin' awesome! So coming back to my point, I didn't get down to watching anything, on the contrary I was left staring longingly at all those seasons with all those episodes. Then I thought of Glee! Then I thought shit, damn Megavideo and damn their 72 mintues a day (which I already finished, as luck may have it). It really doesn't help that Christmas is tomorrow and no one is making any plan involving going to some really nice place and gazing at a huge Christmas tree (which is really all I want to do). Before you pass any judgement, I'm really tired of the alcohol and partying with no place to breathe. This Christmas I just want to do something quiet, maybe dinner and then midnight mass. Except when I suggested this, it was shot down so brutally that it will probably never surface again.
So, now I'm stuck with nothing to do. Which is really not working out for me. Clearly.

Friday, December 17, 2010

I'm not cut out for awkward conversations.
It's like I suddenly forget how to frame coherent sentences. And even if I've gone over it in my head, a hundred times, I can't seem to get my point across. Sometimes, I giggle incessantly. And most often I ramble. (Did I mention I fidget too much too?) In short, I really dislike being put on the spot. Like really really dislike it. Which is rather ironic, because I more or less prepare for these unenviable moments (I'm not going to get into it, let's just say there are lot of hateful words and one sided conversations involved). In fact I'm so thorough with my 'little speech' I could recite it in my sleep. After this, I wait. And I wait some more, until eventually I forget all the carefully-planned lines and I give up on ever telling the person how I feel (felt). And just when I start to live a life of contentment, the person in question appears out of nowhere wanting to give me an explanation. All I want to say is did you really have to wait 365 days (and more in some cases) to get the fuck over with it? Because God forbid you had just mustered the guts when the wound was still fresh and bleeding, I would have been saved all that trouble. Of course, I never say any of that. I just sit there like a person who has no opinion. And all those witty remarks, contrived speeches and numerous questions are forgotten. In fact, I say 'yes' when all I want to say is 'no', I say 'I forgive you' when I want to scream and say 'I don't', I say 'yeah, I'm okay with it' when actually what I want to say is 'no, I'm not okay with it and here's what we should probably do'. Why, you ask? Cause like I said, I'm not cut out for awkward conversations. Especially when the moment has passed and there is nothing left to say.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Today I had no one to talk to as I walked home from college.
I say today, because I usually do. Either it's one of my girls, or both, sometimes it's with a whole bunch of chattering girls and most times it's someone on the phone. Today however, there was no one. And ironically enough this was the one day I really needed some company. It was chilly and only 1 in the afternoon and yet it appeared to be 6. The wind lashed against my hair and really, all I wanted to do was talk. To someone. Anyone. There was a 'the airtel number you are calling is currently unavailable, please try again later'; there was a connection error; there was a hasty 'I'll call you back' and there was a phone that just kept ringing. Funny enough, the one person I knew would pick up, the one person I actually (the anyone I mentioned above was a ploy) wanted to talk to, I didn't call. Why you ask? Well, say hello to my ego. Faithful friend that it is, it said 'why should you call?' and suddenly, the answer was so simple. Why should I call? The point of my seemingly pointless prelude is that even when I want something and know it's the right thing to do, I can't bring myself to do it. Today it had to do with something as silly as lack of company for a twenty minute walk home and  my obstinacy to make a stupid phone call. Usually though, it gets very bad. There have been times when all I've wanted to do was apologize, make it right, reduce the number of days where I'd go without talking to someone, say what I want to when I want to instead of holding on to some grudge, but I just can't. It's like another person takes control and all I can do is succumb to their decision. Of course, often it's a conscious choice. A choice to be difficult when I can be easy; a choice to wait for someone else to be the bigger person when I can be that person; a choice to hold onto to something that is inconsequential as opposed to letting go and seeing reason. My father always says that my ego is going to lead to my doom. I think he is right. Unless of course, I get rid of it everytime it so much as sticks its head out on the surface, waiting to loom over the situation and cloud my judgement. They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one, so there. I'm one the right track I suppose?