Friday, December 17, 2010

I'm not cut out for awkward conversations.
It's like I suddenly forget how to frame coherent sentences. And even if I've gone over it in my head, a hundred times, I can't seem to get my point across. Sometimes, I giggle incessantly. And most often I ramble. (Did I mention I fidget too much too?) In short, I really dislike being put on the spot. Like really really dislike it. Which is rather ironic, because I more or less prepare for these unenviable moments (I'm not going to get into it, let's just say there are lot of hateful words and one sided conversations involved). In fact I'm so thorough with my 'little speech' I could recite it in my sleep. After this, I wait. And I wait some more, until eventually I forget all the carefully-planned lines and I give up on ever telling the person how I feel (felt). And just when I start to live a life of contentment, the person in question appears out of nowhere wanting to give me an explanation. All I want to say is did you really have to wait 365 days (and more in some cases) to get the fuck over with it? Because God forbid you had just mustered the guts when the wound was still fresh and bleeding, I would have been saved all that trouble. Of course, I never say any of that. I just sit there like a person who has no opinion. And all those witty remarks, contrived speeches and numerous questions are forgotten. In fact, I say 'yes' when all I want to say is 'no', I say 'I forgive you' when I want to scream and say 'I don't', I say 'yeah, I'm okay with it' when actually what I want to say is 'no, I'm not okay with it and here's what we should probably do'. Why, you ask? Cause like I said, I'm not cut out for awkward conversations. Especially when the moment has passed and there is nothing left to say.

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