Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Today I had no one to talk to as I walked home from college.
I say today, because I usually do. Either it's one of my girls, or both, sometimes it's with a whole bunch of chattering girls and most times it's someone on the phone. Today however, there was no one. And ironically enough this was the one day I really needed some company. It was chilly and only 1 in the afternoon and yet it appeared to be 6. The wind lashed against my hair and really, all I wanted to do was talk. To someone. Anyone. There was a 'the airtel number you are calling is currently unavailable, please try again later'; there was a connection error; there was a hasty 'I'll call you back' and there was a phone that just kept ringing. Funny enough, the one person I knew would pick up, the one person I actually (the anyone I mentioned above was a ploy) wanted to talk to, I didn't call. Why you ask? Well, say hello to my ego. Faithful friend that it is, it said 'why should you call?' and suddenly, the answer was so simple. Why should I call? The point of my seemingly pointless prelude is that even when I want something and know it's the right thing to do, I can't bring myself to do it. Today it had to do with something as silly as lack of company for a twenty minute walk home and  my obstinacy to make a stupid phone call. Usually though, it gets very bad. There have been times when all I've wanted to do was apologize, make it right, reduce the number of days where I'd go without talking to someone, say what I want to when I want to instead of holding on to some grudge, but I just can't. It's like another person takes control and all I can do is succumb to their decision. Of course, often it's a conscious choice. A choice to be difficult when I can be easy; a choice to wait for someone else to be the bigger person when I can be that person; a choice to hold onto to something that is inconsequential as opposed to letting go and seeing reason. My father always says that my ego is going to lead to my doom. I think he is right. Unless of course, I get rid of it everytime it so much as sticks its head out on the surface, waiting to loom over the situation and cloud my judgement. They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one, so there. I'm one the right track I suppose?

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