Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Zephyr. As late as it may be to add this detail, now, its not. My cousin very liberally has let me use this, so i thought i'd show my deep gratitude :)
It's a very reassuring feeling to know that no matter what, when you turn around, there's always someone behind you. From fighting for barbie's when we were little, to our 'weird' dances(welcome welcome) , to sleepovers and 'mature' conversations. She calls me her psychic lady and i call her the cousin i grew up with. So, thank you for the name, the countless happy days to look back upon, and also, for the one's we make tomorrow.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

You know how when you were a little kid, you believed in fairy tales. And how you practically waited to grow older cause that made you feel that much closer to getting yours? Yeah. At some point we all feel this odd security in merely believing. And sometimes, most often, the closer we are to getting our fairy tale story, the more we realize how far away it really is. Or worse how we think we've gotten it, only to realize it turns around and disappoints us. At times like this you wish you would have never believed. Cause something that you anticipated at some point, gave you hope and made you look forward to, ends up being far from what you expected. And you stop believing in it. You lose faith.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Why can't Edward Cullen be for real?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

As she sat crying in the corner, while the rain continued to pour, she wondered how people gave up so easily. He would always mean a lot and be special, what made it even harder for her was that he didn't care enough to think the same.
She was hurt. Because he chose to hurt her, in spite of being the one person she would least expect that from.
She didn't get it. How could someone give up and accept defeat?
She had only herself to blame and she knew that. But the heartache wouldn't stop. It was so hard for her to accept that what they shared for almost two years, every memory, was her last.
He left her behind.
He let her fall and he wasn't there to lift her up.
He made her cry and ache for him, but he wasn't there to wipe her tears or to hold her hand through her pain.
All of a sudden she was alone.
Nothing could fill the emptiness that she felt, because that was his place. In a room full of people she continued to feel alone. And lost.

And now. After all those years, she believes 'you come alone and you leave alone'. And maybe getting hurt the way she did made her believe it. But till this day, she knows. It was worth it.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

She's been my mentor for as long as i can remember, someone i turned to for advice, someone who knew exactly what to say when. Experience is indeed the best teacher, and this she has taught me by answering my every question with a similar situation she'd been in before. The things we've done together are a 'memory' id like to hold on to always, be it cooking, talking until two in the morning, watching tv, drives on the beach, shopping, 'qudrapop' competing, fun...everything. Not to forget our not so good times. The times when she'd yell at me like there was no tomorrow, and for some reason that has always had a lasting impression. Her mails have taught me lessons, her advice had gotten me through tough times, and being with her has only made me love her more. And today im so happy that she's going to start her life being 'married' in no time (completely blowing my chances of being adopted i might add). Still. Ive never fully been able to tell her what she means to me, but i guess she's known all along. Yes, my confidant, my mentor and someone i look up to.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

One minute, you love people, you love being surrounded by familiar faces and their constant jabber. And the next minute, your trying to run away as far as possible. Trying not to stay anywhere next to them, asking yourself why you had ever grown to love them in the first place, as unimaginable as the question may sound, its true. Sometimes you do find yourself questioning your affection and your feelings towards someone. And sometimes, when you get your answer without feeling regret, wanting to smack your head wondering why you asked in the first place, you realize...that people who often upset you the most are sometimes the ones you can't do without, that being angry only means you care enough hence you get affected and sometimes over time you weave something so strong, that you KNOW it's something you can't break. It's in times like this that you discover in your life, people who ACTUALLY make a difference. And so it all comes down to the question. Are they worth it?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

It disappoints, hurts and upsets you.
Funny thing is you can't stop hoping. Hoping that things will change, that people will realize and that they'l start treating you like you are worth it, that you'l be 'happy' again.
Eventually ends up letting you down. Leaving place for just regret.

Friday, October 10, 2008

So much for my not writing everyday. =P

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Yes, each new day brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves right before we fall asleep. We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy, or that he's happy. That we can change, or that he will change his mind. We persuade ourselves that we can live with our sins, or that we can live without him. Yes, each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate, desperate hope that come morning -- it will all be true.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

It doesn't seem to want to stop raining, resulting in a sabotage of our plan to go to beans . As much as it sucks, i smile thinking of the last time this happened. Our economics exam was two days away, and su decided she couldn't find her stupid economics text book and decided to come over and screw my study routine with her 'squeaky' presence. She dragged me to every fucking book store in the nearest vicinity, while i was dying of paranoia (exam nerves you see). Anyway our last stop proved to be a little successful, considering we got Frank, but our highness refuses as the page numbers vary from our actual text book. lol. Anyway, by this time it was pouring cats and dogs, and knowing su and how she loves to push it, least bothered that i haven't nearly finished half my portion i might add, she sends hari off someplace, and drags me in the pouring rain for fags! Resulting in us running past random starngers in our oversized daddy shirts, slipping in the slush, and me wrapping ginger in every dry part possible so she doesn't stop working. Running like that, chasing her, was the best and most fun thing considering im blind and couldn't see a thing. I highly doubt id have laughed that much if it wasn't for her and her stupid idea, so ya. My best 'rainy day' moment in very long. Though i did fail in eco finally :P

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Today just seems so long.
I recall, this time last year i was so, clueless. In another two months i would get back what i thought lost. In another two and a half months id have the weirdest new year, one with um, lots of tears. In another three months id find my 'vault', in another six months id find friends, lose some, make new memories and live...and oddly enough,considering i dont regret most, i still look back thinking, what if.
What if some of it never happened.
What if id known what i was up against, known that maybe i didn't want it after all.
What if, what if, what if.
And the worst bit? It's still going to be the exact same. Because as much as id like to go back and undo things, probably do them differently, im still going to be here. Stuck with mistakes i wish id never have made and feelings i wish i didn't have to feel.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Yeah. So, Zephyr,because i like the name and how it sounds.
Very random i know. But then again, random is what defines me.
I highly doubt i'd be able to update this blog as often as id like, i rarely have time to sit around, what with my boards in less than six months, a million entrances and a wedding. Nevertheless a blog is just what i need to take my mind off all the stuff happening. I've become quite an insurgent of late, it scares me sometimes, cause even though i've never been the kind who surrenders to servitude, i haven't been this bad either. I keep hoping this is just a phase, that will pass with time, and take me back to when everything was noraml, the time before it all went weirdly, wrong.