I don’t know why I’m so mad.
I don’t know if it has to do with the fact that you disappear so often. I don’t know if it’s because of what I feel every god damn time you do so. I don’t know if maybe, I hate that this is becoming a pattern in my life. I don’t know if it’s just me, doing the same stupid things over and over again, repeating the last mistake I made and just…letting you mess with my head, in general. I don’t know if it’s because the good stuff sort of makes up for everything and how thinking about it still makes me weak in the knees. I don’t know if it’s because sometimes the reality of it all just spoils the whole darn fantasy. I don’t know if it’s just one of those moods coupled with the fact that I miss you.
I don’t know. And I probably never will. Cause life is just LIKE that. It throws all these questions at you and tells you to go figure it out. And no, it doesn’t care that you don’t have the answers or probably need a little more than the stipulated time to compute them. God forbid you just happen to sit down and try and think about it with a clear head, cause then it just weighs you down with MORE questions, all rushing to eat away at you, slowly, bit by bit. Until you’re in such a mess, you wonder why you sat down to think in the first place.
By the end of it, you are so consumed by the utter chaos of it all, it’s not a wonder why,‘you don’t know’.